All Who Wander Are Not Lost

What do I have to offer?

Today I thought a lot about what I can give to those close to me. This morning, I cleaned out the kitchen that I share with my family. I swept and scrubbed the floors, loaded the dishes, sorted the mail pile away from the kitchen table, and degreased the stove and counters. Then I moved onto the bathrooms. Nothing to it. I even felt pretty good about the little transformation.

Someone told me that it's the little things that add up. I used to be all about the little things when I was a kid, but as I grew more jaded, I doubted the truth of that principle. I didn't sweat the small stuff, so to speak. But the little things matter, a lot. Now that I'm actively thinking about how I can give back to others, it's weird, but my recent interactions with strangers have become a lot more pleasant. For instance, when I went to take my passport photo, it turned out pretty awful. My hair was doing its own thing and my sweater was awry. The drugstore clerk was nice enough to offer me a photo re-take on the spot. He didn't have to retake it - he could have just insisted that re-taking the photo was not part of the process, not his job. After all, the quicker he dispatched me, the quicker he could move on to other things. But instead, he let me fix my hair and he then retook the photo. He remarked on how impersonal passport photos are generally since you can't smile in them. Some people are just really nice.

I was watching Demitri Martin, whose musings on life seem uncannily relevant to my own experience. Lots of time on my hands? Check. Feeling overwhelmed by the big picture? A leetle. Boasting a useless if entertaining talent for word games? Bingo. I think that I do have to keep trying at the little things. Maybe not to the extent that Mr. Martin explained (no personal point system for me, thanks). But I do feel like life is made of many, perhaps infinitely small moments that are meant to be used. I might not succeed the first or the thousandth time. But hopefully if I can think of moments as infinitely small opportunities to give back, I can surprise even myself.

Today

Today was a good day. I got to chat with a really nice lady at the gym, who said I reminded her of her daughter. How sweet is that? We talked about inner beauty and how everyone seems to want to look different, not realizing how lovely we are on the inside. Just another day anticipating a whirlwind tour of Asia.

I have a vague idea of what I'll be seeing and sensing - it's hard to predict how everything will be different from the U.S. and how things like my old places in Beijing have changed in six years. Wow, I can't believe it's been six years since I last crossed the Pacific.

Not surprisingly there will be a lot of noms. I will be stuffing my face with you tiao (cruellers) and jiaozi (dumplings) and an amazing tomato-apple juice blend that I've only seen in China. In Shanghai, I will hunt and seek xiao long bao (little dragon buns) with the determination of a bird dog. I will get stomach problems and remember why I came back to the United States. But no stomach problems shall stand in the way of my noms. I am determined to keep eating, no matter what. Come to think of it I need to brush up on foreign medical terms.

I looked up top-rated restaurants in Beijing as compiled by Time Out Beijing, expecting to see Quanjude or other standards heralding back to hundreds of years of Chinese cuisine. Most of the "best" restaurants in the Time Out guide are non-Chinese imports. Things like California-style sushi, Japanese kaizen sushi, and Italian fusion cuisine took top honors, as decided by the hip young things who write and read Time Out guides. That's cool - it means that foodiness has opened up a lot in China. Still puzzled by the "Italian" (read: Flemish) outfits I saw at a chandelier-bedecked Pizza Hut in Beijing six years ago. But franchises occupy their own strange world, and things might have changed.

Now I will dream as visions of pickled plums dance in my head.

Lessons in Happiness

Earlier this week, I gave a presentation as part of a job interview. It was an informal space and a very welcoming audience - just one evaluator and two other candidates who were not competing in any way with me. I had my presentation down pat, yet my presentation delivery was a flop. I felt nervous and lost my train of thought. My hands were shaking throughout the whole thing. That was new. When had I become terrified when speaking in public?

I'm really glad that I went on that interview, because doing something that was scary, even if I didn't imagine that it would be scary beforehand, allowed me to see my own strengths and weaknesses clearly. Obviously, I want to be comfortable speaking in front of people and so I'm going to practice public speaking however I can. I've signed up for a Chinese language meetup in D.C. in which I'll have to speak Chinese. I'm looking for other opportunities that allow me to speak with to individuals or crowds I don't know, about things that I want to know more about.

With many loved ones leaving the area (or adjusting to new regions already), I feel scared but also kind of excited about what changes are on the way. I think we are all headed in the right direction generally.

My sleep schedule and my mood are vastly improved. Part of it, I think, is that I'm out in the sunshine more. Nothing warms me up like real sunshine - I'm a total ice cube most days. Yay for spring! I wake up and run for a few miles, then come home and spend the day in my mom's garden. I read the news, soak up the sun, and await the humidity eagerly. I watch the birds, who never seem to question why they're birds, and I feel happy. Life is good.